Awesome Josh

It hasn’t even been a month since I first posted about me being an FTM. I was scared as hell to post that. I didn’t want my parents to read it and I would do everything I could to keep them away from my site. When I knew my dad would be on the computer I would freak out and check to see who was visiting my site. I was praying he wouldn’t go to it.

I hated junior high and high school. I’m one of those kids that got picked on relentlessly. Elementary school was great. I had a lot of friends and we were all really close. The thought of junior high scared me. In 6th grade, there are three teams; Green, Red, and Orange. I was on the Green team. I think only a couple of people from elementary school were actually on the Green team, and I was scared. I never liked change and I was always so shy around people that I didn’t know. I hated crowds and the middle school was huge.

Needless to say, I was pretty lonely in sixth grade. A lot of the other kids thought I was weird, and wouldn’t spend time with me because that would then make them weird by association. I became very withdrawn and I grew to not trust people. All of the friends I had made in elementary school had forgotten about me. I know that it happens, but when you’re 11, it really hurts. I would pass through the halls and people would laugh at me sometimes, or they would whisper something and look at me weird. Like I was a freak. Seventh grade was worse. A whole lot worse.

Eighth grade was better. I switched from the public school to the Catholic school. It was small, I liked small. There were about 20 kids in my grade and I liked that. I liked the people that I went to school with. But I still didn’t fit in. Looking back now, if I would have chilled out and stopped worrying what people thought about me, I might have had a better year than I did. Some of the other kids in my class kept saying that I looked like Newman from Seinfeld. I didn’t like that.
I lost a lot of faith in people during those years. I totally under-estimated everyone. And it carried over to my life after junior high and high school. Even still, I don’t trust people as much as I should. I like to keep myself at a distance from people, and tearing down the walls around me is a pretty hard thing, even for me. So when I tell people that I’m an FTM, I assume that that’ll be the last thing I say to them. Or that they’ll give me those weird looks that people used to give me in junior high.

I didn’t think people would understand, so I apologize if you were one of those people who found out from my site and not from me. I should have given you way more credit. Since first posting about my Trans status, I’ve received 844 unique visitors and over 2,400 page views on my trans posts alone. More than 200 people viewed my first video cast and many people have sent me e-mails, left me comments, or contacted me in some other way. Out of all those people, I’ve only received one hate mail. Apparently, I’m an abomination and God hates me.