Awesome Josh

Late at night, when all of my online friends go to bed and whatnot, I get kind of lonely. I mean, I’m lonely all the time, but at least when they are around I can keep myself busy. I have a hard time meeting people in real life. I’m pretty shy in real life and I keep to myself most of the time. I don’t remember not ever having a panic attack in a crowd or in an uncomfortable situation. I hate being around people that I don’t know and so I just avoid it. Eh, but whatever. That’s just where I am now. But that’s another problem. I keep thinking that it’s just a phase and that I’ll outgrow it and eventually I’ll be able to go out and meet people.

So I’m sitting here, watching stupid infomercials because all we get is basic cable now. I hate basic cable. I mean, really, all I need is CNN. That’s not asking for much, now is it. And I only really want CNN so I can watch Anderson Cooper and Good Morning America. I’ve done a lot of thinking the past couple of days. I don’t think that that is a bad thing; thinking can be good for you. Gaby commented the other day that I was going through adolescence all over again. At the time, I didn’t agree with her. I thought I was just way paste that stage, but I realized that she was right. I’m just now figuring out who I am and I’m coming into my own, whatever that means, and I’m going through all the same motions that someone would go through during those years. I’m emotionally growing into this new person that I’ve suddenly become.

You can say that I’m the same person I was a year ago, but that isn’t true. A lot has happened in a year. I went through a break up, I moved back home, I’ve become more open about being transgender, I’m dealing with being transgender, among many other things. I’m not the same person that I was a year ago. That’s kind of scary to know that I’ve changed so much in a year, or at least that a lot of things have changed. I’m not sure if I’ve changed as a person yet or not.

I wouldn’t change anything. Looking back at the past year I wish things would have turned out differently, but I wouldn’t change it. I needed for all of it to happen, when it happened. It was the right time for it to happen. I needed a huge slap in the face and I’ve gotten it and I’m ready to move on with my life and become a better person for it. I’m ready to live as myself and I’m comfortable with that now. I didn’t use to be comfortable with it, even a year ago, if you had asked me if I was comfortable with it, I probably wouldn’t have been. I probably would have been a scared little shit, because that’s what I did back then. I ran. Ha, kinda funny how I say back then and it was only a year ago.

Anyway, I guess I’ve just been doing a lot of reflecting the past few days. Not that it’s a bad thing, or a good thing for that matter. Sometimes you need to take a step back and examine where you’ve been in order to know where you’re going.